12.22.2025. The Mossy Ground of Uncertain
Hello dear Friends-
“Earth is so thick with divine possibility that it is a wonder we can walk anywhere without cracking our shins on altars.”
― Barbara Brown Taylor
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On the first day of a six-day silent retreat titled “Finding Equanimity in Uncertain Times,” my back went out. I found myself smack in the middle of the “uncertain.” Isn’t that how the strange and wondrous rolls when the prayer “open me” passes through our lips?
Things began with a series of mishaps: I left my phone at the rental car counter; I white-knuckled the drive across the Golden Gate Bridge; I spilled my 34-ounce water bottle on my newly made bed—soaking the blankets, the sheets, and the carpet. I couldn’t sleep because of the snoring man in the room next to me. By noon, I could feel my back begin to seize. Oh no, I thought, this isn’t good.That was all within the first fourteen hours.
For some, six days of silence would have brought them to their “edge.” For me, back pain is the edge that brings me to the brink of terror. It is a pain I know intimately; it is as old as my twenty-seven-year-old son. When it shows up, it’s a hell of a thing—a flash flood of fear. It triggers a maddening panic where I feel like I am going to throw up and pass out, where I think I can’t make it through. In the past, perhaps this was true. This pain, and the pattern of the future fear of pain, has run my life for a long time.
Here I am, 2,000 miles from home, and my back—the place that triggers my deepest fears—is in frozen lockdown. I couldn’t sit. I could barely lie down. I couldn’t roll over. (And let’s not even talk about trying to use the bathroom!) With my racing mind on repeat—Oh no. I can’t move—I gingerly, slowly, tiny-stepped back to my room.
What did I do? I called a sacred ally. I needed to resource a voice of care outside of myself until I could resource within. This is someone who holds both your fear and your strength as sacred—someone who holds the “holy betweens,” sees you, and believes in you. A lampholder in your life: someone who walks with you in the dark, holds your despairing heart, and helps you to fully see who and what is here.
I was being struck by what Buddhist teachings call the “Two Arrows.”
The First Arrow was the involuntary physical seizure of my back—the raw suffering of my body in a screaming “No,” a protection-mode refusal to move. The Second Arrow was the one I shot into myself: the panic, the maddening “what-ifs,” and the old, deep-seated terror that I would never get out.
While the first arrow is pain, the second is the “suffering of suffering”—our reaction. And right there is the miraculous: a holy choice, a life-changing offering, an ability to go another way—to create space around habituated patterns. I am discovering that right between the first and second arrow—in the gap space—lies the grace of equanimity.
Eventually—through kindness from myself and others, and through slow time—I found that the only thing I could trust throughout the week was an unfolding faith in the mossy ground of the “uncertain.” It was hard (no sugarcoating here), but miracle of miracles, it was soft and gentle, too.
True to Advent, a time of the uncertain—a season that asks us to listen to the heavens, to our dreams, and to pay attention to synchronicity and stars. It was not the “sunny” retreat I wanted; it was mostly gray, overcast fog and intermittent storms. Yet, it was exactly the retreat I longed for: a time of holy quietude, opening me, tenderizing me—kind. Who knew “uncertain” is where anything-is-possible blooms.
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Come Practice & Be In Community
Drop-in Meditation Today. All are welcome; no prior experience is needed—just bring an open heart.
2:00 PM - 3:00 PM: 20-min Compassion Guided Meditation Practice & 25-minute Metta Meditation Practice
3:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Conversations and Nourishment for the heart, for your practice of Meditation
Dāna: Pay What You Can. (suggested donation $10-$40)
Location: 778 West Frontage Road, Suite 111, Northfield, IL.
Closing 2025 with gratitude pouring,
Love, Wini
PS. Taking a Seasonal Pause. The Metta Letter & In-person Meditation Practice will resume on Jan 12, 2026 (2 weeks off, Aidan is home!) Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, 2026!
…more goodness below, made with ♥️
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🌸 Two Poems:
Prepare | Jan Richardson
Strange how one word
will so hollow you out.
But this word
has been in the wilderness
for months.
Years.
This word is what remained
after everything else
was worn away
by sand and stone.
It is what withstood
the glaring of sun by day,
the weeping loneliness of
the moon at night.
Now it comes to you
racing out of the wild
eyes blazing
and waving its arms,
its voice ragged with desert
but piercing and loud
as it speaks itself
again and again.
Hold Out Your Hand | Julia Fehrenbacher
Let’s forget the world for a while
fall back and back
into the hush and holy
of now
are you listening? This breath
invites you
to write the first word
of your new story
your new story begins with this:
You matter
you are needed—empty
and naked
willing to say yes
and yes and yes
Do you see
the sun shines, day after day
whether you have faith
or not
the sparrows continue
to sing their song
even when you forget to sing
yours
stop asking: Am I good enough?
Ask only
Am I showing up
with love?
Life is not a straight line
it’s a downpour of gifts, please—
hold out your hand
🍃 Oh my, this line, this question: Am I showing up with love?
🌸 Three Quotes | Dacha Avelin. Chet Raymo. Ann Weems.
“After the longest night, tomorrow we sing up the dawn. There is a rejoicing that, even in the darkest time, the sun is not vanquished. As of tomorrow, the days begin to get longer as the light of day grows. While the gentle winter sun slowly opens its eyes, let us all bring more light and compassion into the world.” ― Dacha Avelin
“All of my life has been a relearning to pray—a letting go of incantational magic, petition, and vain repetition ""Me Lord, me," instead of watching attentively for the light that burns at the center of every star, every cell, every living creature, every human heart.” — Chet Raymo in NATURAL PRAYERS as quoted in EARTH'S ECHO by Robert Hamma
“It is not over, this birthing. There are always newer skies into which God can throw stars.” ― Ann Weems, Kneeling in Bethlehem
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🌸 Some Things to Inspire | Three Sweet Short Offerings to Bless Your Day ✨
One. A sweet short film. Oh my, it looks tender beyond, Ernest & Celestine film. Maybe it is just what is required over the holidays, wholesome goodness, a heartwarming story of an unlikely friendship between a bear and a mouse. YouTube Official Trailer Watch here (2:25 min)
Two. A short film that may leave you in tears, The House of Small Cubes. Perhaps the most tender 12 minutes you may watch today. About an elderly man, dropping his pipe, dives down through the chapters of his life. Watch film here (12:06 min)
Three. Wowza these two voices amazing: When Egyptian and Iraqi Voices Collide
🌸🎶 Two Closing Song | Song of Your Heart & Breath of Heaven
This is one song I play throughout the Christmas Season, Amy Grant - Breath Of Heaven (Mary's Song) (Lyric Video). I hope you enjoy its beauty, its magic. Watch here
This song was sent my way by one of my dearest friends, lovely Kelly, one of my favorite devotional artists of all time, Snatam Kaur, (sometimes, I just put one her songs on repeat and listen over and over, letting voice and words tenderize my heart ) Song of Your Heart (by Peter Kater, Snatam Kaur). Listen here or listen on YouTube here
Lyrics:
You are becoming the song of your heart
How beautiful it is
How beautiful it is
As the flower blossoms forth
🌸🙏 Dedicate Merit | In all Mystical traditions, there is a closing prayer – prayers of blessing, gratitude and protection.
“May kindness surround your heart.
May you know you are held in loving-presence.
May you be healed and a source of healing.
May your heart be open.
May all beings be happy, healthy, and peaceful
Have a blessed day,
Love, Wini 💖
🌸 Housekeeping…xo
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Thank you, I am a one-woman, two-finger typing unfolding thousand petal-bloom.
Send on, add more light into our tender complex world.
✨ may we bloom more Light.
💞 may we grow more Goodness for the healing of all.
🌎 may each of us stitch more heart-tenderness into the fabric of our planet.
….Until next week. 💖 ✨
Instructions for living a life:
Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.
- Mary Oliver
Website: https://www.wininimrod.com/
